Whereupon Rick Became the Butt of Every Pirate Joke Imaginable

Within days of her final electroshock therapy treatment, the office was all abuzz with talk of Jeanine’s transformation from moody, uptight receptionist prone to all afternoon crying jags all the way to the most chilled out babe in the building. Until the day Rick spilled coffee on her favorite Fair Isle sweater and then, well, even Taffy is too squeamish to report the details.

Rick was back in the office two weeks later, still adjusting to his eye patch, and Jeanine was checked in to Happy Pines Daycare Center for Adults With Emotional Needs, where she insists that everyone call her Cinnamon and teaches Wednesday afternoon knitting classes.

Xanax: Works Like a Charm On Even The Toughest Days

The day Betty’s husband Bob admitted he was leaving her for a border patrol agent named Irene, he also let loose an expletive-laden tirade about all the ways she made him miserable that would make a truck driver blush. While floating in her drug-induced “happy place” as Bob cursed up a storm, she gently lifted her hand and practically whispered, “Who me?” as if Bob was playing the funniest little game in the world.

Who Knows What Wednesday Will Bring

Janie and Julie enjoy their mid-morning chat session by the file cabinet at the law office of Bindle, Blarkey, Linder & Flurck. Janie loved Julie’s talent for accessorizing, her sensitive ways, and the soft curves of her delicate figure in that pleated red dress. While Julie prattles on about the new secretary Jillian and that trampish blue eye shadow she insists on wearing, Janie thinks about how delicious it would be to french kiss her right there in the office, smack in the middle of a boring Tuesday morning.

Who Says You Can’t Be Stylish During a Drug Deal?

Before heading downtown to pick up her month’s supply of black market Percocet, Deirdre opts for a rhinestone-button dress and faux leopard handbag. Its boxy shape and sturdy bamboo handle means she has enough room for a fat wad of cash and her favorite Chanel lipstick. After one final look in the mirror and a perky nod of approval, Deirdre tosses her handbag over her shoulder and steps out into the sun, ready to take on the world.

Feels Like the First Day of School

Having just left her husband Cliff after a confession that is still a hot topic of discussion at the Belle Haven Country Club, Cherie tries on a few different outfits before heading out to her first lesbian singles party. By the time she was on her way, her bed was piled high with half her wardrobe, and that sturdy gold bangle was replaced with a small string of pearls – the perfect touch of dainty for a gal lookin’ for love.

Small Consolation For a Gal With Big Dreams

Having flubbed her lines, sneezed, and slipped off the purple satin bed cover one too many times with a decidedly un-sexy thud, Jolene was ordered off set and told her career in the adult video trade was over. At least she’ll make it on the blooper reel…

Jessica is Ready to Roll, But Monica is Miffed – Marc Knows She Doesn’t Like Brandy

“What do you say we swig down some brandy, get naked, cover ourselves in olive oil and play a game of Twister?”

As soon as the Camera went Click, Danny got Smacked Into Next Week

Steffi tries to play it cool for the photographer while Danny – her best friend’s husband of four months – whispers a proposition to her that even Taffy Underhill is too shy to say out loud.

Moments Later, Betty Got Her Bling On

When Betty saw her reflection in Tiffany’s store window, she couldn’t help but notice two things:

1.  How breathtakingly beautiful she was.

2.  That pearls were so last season, and it was time for an upgrade in the accessories department.

Looks Like the Lobotomy Did the Trick

It was hard to imagine Mindy as anyone other than the bubbly housewife with a fondness for lavender gingham and cream of mushroom soup she was today, but for those who knew her just one year ago, it was still hard not to cringe when she got that big sassy smile on her face.  It was just last Easter when her cousin Jenny accidentally spilled red wine on Mindy’s new blue velvet couch, only to look up and see Mindy with this same smile on her face explaining, “Oh that’s alright – it’s no big deal at all, really – no big deal.”

One hour later, Mindy’s Easter Dinner was splattered all over the kitchen, the Easter ham in the middle of the backyard after being flung through the window above the kitchen sink.  And that’s when everyone finally had to face the fact that it was time to deal with Mindy’s “anger issues”.

One Too Many G&Ts, and Steffi’s Brother-In-Law is Out of Control

“Now come over here my little rosebud and let me poke you with my stick.”

Rick Immediately Tries to Remember Where the Nearest ATM Is

Him:  “Can I buy you a drink, gorgeous?”

Her:  “Honey, it’ll take a lot more than that to get what I know you want.  Try again, cowboy.”

It Must Be Tuesday at Pleasant Pines

Like clockwork, Tammy & Debbie pretend they’re in the Rose Bowl Parade from the balcony of the administrative building of Pleasant Pines Psychiatric Institute.

They started their routine the first week they arrived, and while the staff didn’t take kindly to their chicanery at first, they soon learned it worked to their advantage to just let these two have their half hour in the sun and get their fellow patients in on the action.  One fake parade, some shredded former patient files for ticker tape, and the entire population of Unit D was occupied all morning long, leaving the staff free to grab a smoke & another round of Dungeons and Dragons.

Needless to Say, Chrissy’s Days at Sears Portrait Studio Were Over

Ginny was so excited for her one year anniversary with Jesse, and surprised him with a “Couples in Love” photo shoot at Sears Portrait Studio.  A few weeks later – after sensing a certain distance from Jesse and still not finding his explanation for a pair of lacy underwear stuffed in his patent leather ankle boots adequate (“That was just a prank from the guys in my bowling league – you know what hell-raisers they are Gin-Gin!”) – her whole world was shattered when she saw proof of the first instance he began to make the moves on their photographer Chrissy.

They had to close the portrait studio early that day, and Ginny never wore her favorite sassy fuchsia dress again.

An Alpine Smackdown is About to Get Really, Really Ugly

Jeanette & Irene look on quietly as the avalanche slowly descends towards Bernadette & Viola, so caught up in yelling a string of curse words that would make a seasoned sailor blush they have no idea the high pitch of Bernie’s voice was just the right tone to unleash the fury of the Austrian snow.

Sometimes trying to be a badass simply doesn’t pay off.

Even The Lamppost Feels Cuddly

Jenny wondered how she ever managed to enjoy life before Xanax became available in chewy Gummy Bear drops.  I mean really, how can anyone feel bad when savoring the mouth-watering deliciousness of squishy little cherry-flavored cuddly bears?

Every Once in a While, The Question Still Haunts Her

Gigi couldn’t wait to strip down and dive into her first lesbian scene on the set of Alice’s Wonderland, but Janie…well, Janie wasn’t quite sure how to feel, unable to turn off thoughts of one night in the tenth grade, a sturdy gal named Betsy and enough cheap beer to let her girliest fantasies run wild.

Where was Betsy now?

And why didn’t she ever call back?

Clueless

Renee, soaking up some rays in Aspen with her new boyfriend Bruce, couldn’t be more blissfully unaware.

Next Time He’ll Get a Safe Deposit Box at the Bank

Tracey was so wrapped up in the charades game, she hadn’t yet noticed the ceramic urn had toppled from the fireplace mantel, mere seconds away from shattering all over the living room floor.

But Terry watched in horror, knowing his gay porn slide collection was about to be discovered, and life as he knew it would be over.

“Ohmygahd…don’tcha know I forgot to wear panties again!”

Finding it difficult to share her sexy side in the middle of a Minnesota winter, Shelly tries a new tactic.

Did it work?  You betcha.